California Ballot Initiatives That Would Fix Olive Garden

Why Olive Garden?

To charge my car, I am currently forced to use a supercharger at a mall in California. I don't normally go inside malls, but I am pretty tight on time so I'm usually forced to eat while charging. The only decent options at this mall are Five Guys and Olive Garden. BJs melts shredded cheese to make their queso and their service is too slow.

On paper, Olive Garden is a decent place but they fall short in a few spots. I could vote with my wallet and not go there. I could submit suggestions they would ignore. Or I can use the California Ballot Initiative system to have all of us vote on it and force them to implement the following ideas. These measures are voted on every major election and can basically do anything it seems. So here goes, and keep in mind we can expand these to all restaurants if they sound good.

Proposition H2O: Don't Ask, Still Get It

The drought emergency has been declared over. Restaurants previously tried to say this is why you had to request water instead of just giving it to you when you sat down. Aside from the fact that most of the water is used by farmers and not people sipping at the $50 brunch cafe, the argument just doesn't hold water anymore. The real reason is they don't want to do it. They're just lazy. Here's the thing though. I barely remember to ask. I never feel like asking. I ask and I never get it and have to remind the waiter. No. Proposition H2O states that if you are a sitdown restaurant, they have to pour you water. Every person. No asking. The penalty is unfortunately death. The voters have decided. You can bring a pitcher over. It better have enough for everyone and there has to be enough cups too. Oh and I'd like a straw. I hate the ice falling on my face when I'm trying to drink it.

I remember growing up as a kid there was always water at the restaurant. I don't know what changed, but we're going back.

Proposition Breadstick Napkin

When delivering breadsticks to your table, the breadsticks are typically wrapped up so that the top is covered. This is so that when you eat the last breadstick, the waiter has plausible deniability that they didn't see the basket was empty. The top is covered afterall. Not anymore. This ballot initiative insures that the top view of the breadsticks cannot be obstructed by Olive Garden employees. On top of that, they have to bring you a new basket when they see it is empty. There's no point in asking. We want them. Also you have to put the garlic butter salt on the top and bottom. I'm tired of turning the breadstick upside down so I can actually taste the seasoning.

Proposition Salad Bowl

Oh dear Olive Garden employee, it seems you've made a mistake. There are two people at this table. Yes we both ordered salad. No, we are not sharing this bowl. The amount of dishes you get at Olive Garden is starting to get absurd. You don't need plates for a salad. You can just eat straight out of the bowl. So everyone gets their own bowl. I can pick out whatever I want. I can have as much cheese as I want. And another thing. I don't need your help pouring the cheese. Every table gets a cheese thing. I like cheese on my salad but I also like picking out the parts that I don't want. So when you pour cheese all over it now I have to dig through. And they never offer to cheese a salad that has been cleansed of the weird green pepper things. So this solves all those problems.

Proposition 5 Cheese Ziti

The 5 cheese ziti is a classic example of false advertising. Under this new law, either you actually have to use 5 cheeses and make it without the tomato sauce or you have to rename the dish. It's mostly sauce. I didn't want sauce. I wanted some kind of magical macaroni and cheese. If you had said 5 cheese ziti, like according to llc california, that is mostly sauce, I'd be fine with that. But you didn't tell me and I got really excited and now it sucks.

Proposition One Menu

Every time I sit down at the bar counter at Olive Garden, typically only two of the three menus are present. Between the inserts, the special promos, the timed events, you never actually get a good look at what Olive Garden has to offer. The person sitting (way too close) next to you (seriously space out the chairs) could have a piece of the menu that you don't have. The one with the limited time offer on some frozen drink you actually want. So Olive Garden has to print one menu now. Sorry OG, but you fucked it up. Not even a separate drink and food menu. Not even a special hour menu. All one menu. I want to see everything you have to offer. If it's not being served right now, that's ok. I can read and you can just put the hours or days it is available in a large font.

Proposition All Bar Counter Seats Are At The Same Level

There's a section of the bar counter all the way at the end that is about a foot lower than all the other seats. Raise it up. Nobody wants to sit there so the space isn't being used efficiently. You'll thank me later.

Proposition Strangers Are Not Singing You Happy Birthday

I saw a couple get engaged at a Texas Roadhouse once. The staff literally announced it and he asked her. I'm starting to think it was a ruse to get something free from the restaurant. Either way, she said yes and then they packed up their stuff and left. I'm sure that one is going to last. It's your birthday? Great, go have your family sing to you. None of the employees want to do it. And there's always someone who brings up the myth that singing happy birthday is forbidden because of copyright law. Unfortunately if you still spread that one, you've got to go. Courts have ruled that the happy birthday song is not protected under copyright. Sing away. But only if you're someone who actually knows the person.

Proposition Where The Fuck Is The Waiter I Want to Pay My Bill

It takes too long to pay the bill sometimes. Just put tablets at the table. Have it dispense the chocolates too.

Proposition No More Tiny Straws For Frozen Drinks

If anyone at Olive Garden had actually tried the frozen strawberry margarita, they would know that it clumps up if you try to sip it with the really small thin straws. And giving me two of them doesn't help either. I need a normal straw.

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Let me know your thoughts.



This is by far the funniest comedic article I have read in a good long while.

I would definitely vote yet on all of these propositions if I were living in Commiefornia.



Gary, this really speaks to me. The one time i decide to bring my family to the local California olive garden, I experienced everything you;'re advocating against. I'ts time for people to #wakeup!! Don't be a sheep! Fight the Olive Garden Oligarchy!



Those “weird Green pepper things” are PEPPERCINIS and they’re delicious you uncultured heathen. Other than that this was hilarious



Dude I love OG. I got the pasta pass 4 out of 5 years they had it. My record is eating there 42 days in a row. This stuff is hilarious. Thanks for the /etc/inputrc fix on another page, that paste highlight is miserable.



Lmfaooooooooooo i never actually checked this site out until now bc i got a new pc and have to redownload everything. THIS! is a GEM!! lmfao, a true relic in time on the internet. Gary, thank you for these inputs!



Randomly decided to check this website since the client has been part of my 'essential programs' whenever setting up a new pc for the last 15 or so years, and is pretty funny whenever this client comes up in conversation with friends. The man, the myth, the legend, also has a sense of humor!